As I lie here I find myself feeling very lost. Only my parents truly know of my struggles. Everyone else gets to see the glimpses of “candy” that are my life. The past two days have been among the hardest in my life thus far. I find myself inclined to share the very struggles I am going through. I have been told that I am inspiring, brave, and courageous. I don’t feel I deserve these praises, my grass may seem greener, but I assure you it’s painted so very carefully. I feel worn very thin from the last couple days. I have been having severe problems with Cardin. He has been completely out of control, even trying to physically hurt me. I am not very strong, I am crumbling like an ancient weathered building in a sea of aloneness. I came very close to calling the police today, and it makes my heart feel heavy and sad. I am exhausted in every facet of the word. And instead of handling his insanity with sanity, I myself lost control. Aside from my parenting failures, I have been so over critical of all of my work. It’s to a point I almost can’t function. My life feels bipolar and I am in desperate need of balance, and someone to talk to. We might throw in the gypsy towel for a while and settle down somewhere… just don’t know where yet. I feel like what I want I cant have. I envy those who can home school their children and not have to worry about money. I feel like my stresses are debilitating me, keeping me from being a good mom and successful artist. I am praying for peace and clarity. Goodnight

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