1. My Childhood Mother

When I hear the word mother it stirs within me a sadness,
A void.
I know that, for whatever reason, I was to live a childhood that lied somewhere between bad and hell.
I did not grow up with words of wisdom, encouragement, or love from my mother.
And I can honestly say that I cannot recall one memory,
One loving peaceful moment,
That I ever spent with her.
I find that this is a topic that I would prefer not to write about.
Maybe it is because I truly can’t remember much,
Or maybe it is because I don’t want to remember at all.
Either way,
Words come to me like lifeless ghosts of a time past.
I can’t seem to find the magic in the tale.
Perhaps the magic lies within the child I once was,
Or in the pure energy that I “turned out” so well.
I don’t hate my mother,
But I hate her.
I don’t blame my mother,
But I blame her.
Conversations between my adult and child psyches…
Exhausting…
I am not quite sure of what a mother truly is,
Or of what a mother is to be to a child.
But,
I know what a mother is not,
And maybe that is a good start.

2. My Adulthood Momma

A young,
Scared,
Lost,
Girl.
Soon to be a divorcee single mom.
Lost job,
And home
Due to her baby constantly catching critters at daycare.
This is where I was in life when she found me.
No longer a teen,
But not yet an adult.
Having to grow up too quickly.
And No clue on how to be a mommy.
I had never had anyone love me unconditionally.
The mere thought of unconditional love seemed a preposterous idea,
That only lived in fairy tales
How could you simply love a person no matter what they
Said,
Did,
Or ignored?
I wasn’t taught unconditional love as a child, but that love came from abuse
And gifts were apologies.
Paul and Trina,
Strangers to us,
Took a young girl and her 2 year old son into their
Home,
Hearts,
And lives.
I look back on those first years with them and I cannot help but smile.
There were times when I was the biggest bitch on two heels.
Fighting every bit of advice they gave.
Fighting their love.
But they stood by me,
And loved me,
In spite of it.
Times when my world would crash into a million splinters of glass in my heart,
And they would help pick me up and put me back together.
Lest not forget the times of the purest joy and laughter I have ever felt.
Through her I found my strength as a woman,
As a mother.
But most importantly they taught me unconditional love.
I found myself,
For the first time in my life,
Because of this love.
At the age of 22 with a toddler in my arms,
I finally found my Momma.

3. My Life As A Mommy

Motherhood is like the pull of the moon on the crashing waves of the ocean.
Sometimes the waters are calm and everything runs smoothly.
While other times the ocean is a mass of rain and tidal waves.
Being a mother has never come as an easy path,
And in truth I never wanted to have children.
But, that was another life and time.
And when he looks up at me with those big blue eyes,
My heart melts.
As we sit in the sand where the earth meets the ocean
I see the joy on his face as the waves roll in,
Crashing into the beach like an epic battle of water and sand.
An enormous joy is brought to my soul.
I breathe in,
The scent of the ocean,
I swim in the air.
Letting things simply be as they are.
Being happy,
In turn makes him happy.
There are days when everything I say is the perfect antidote to every heartache.
But then there are days when anger overcomes my patience
And I could scream obscenities to the gods
Thwarting the wrath of anger in my blood toward every sparkling city in the heavens.
I won’t lie and say I have not daydreamed of giving up and letting my feet take me to a place far from the chaos and stress of being a single parent
For more often than not it feels as though he has sucked every molecule of energy from my being.
I feel as though I am too selfish to be a great mom.
And I might never truly know what it means to be one.
I fear that one day my impatience and frustrations will crush his spirit.
But, I will say this
I love my son,
More than any other being in the Universe.
And, in all confidence, I can also say that
I am raising a free spirit in this world of slaves
And a kind open heart in a world of stone.
And I know that one day, when he is grown
That he will be a Great man.
So, as to my eyes, I am failing
Perhaps the reality is
That I am doing better than I think.

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