My grief has taken me this morning, like the hurricane takes the land. So gloriously freeing, and painful. Damn you wretched heart, some wounds go too deep and will never heal. I feel the grief pour out of me like a crack in a dam, it pushes until I finally break. Years of agony from my childhood. Not being able to protect those precious to me because my hands were too small and my voice not quite loud enough. A man who was meant to protect us and woman who was supposed to nurture, another man who let us go without a fight. A brother who was never treated with dignity and left this world too early. Words that have torn through my soul from people that I gave my heart to, friends and lovers. And myself a wandering soul, with that last string of my family, my blood, so far from me that the knives like daggers in my heart, endlessly bleeding out. I thwart so much grief from my psyche that when I read an article or hear/see something that reminds me of the pain I crumble, like the falling of an old wise tree that has died from too many years of harsh weather. You could never know what pains lie in the scars of my heart, what grief, what sadness, what guilt. This is why I understand it so very deeply. It is my best friend, and my worst enemy. I am so grateful for all the love in my life, but I don’t deserve it. You can’t heal scars, they last forever. Like the ebb and flow of the ocean, sometimes the waters are calm, and sometimes the waves hit so hard they tear you to pieces. This is my life. I will forever love and live with all my heart, but with that comes a grief that tears me down when the wind shifts direction. When the world is quiet and all I can hear is the beat of my own scarred heart, still capable of the deepest love the world has ever known. My love is deeper because of my scars, because of my pain. And I will never stop loving, no matter how much pain it brings. My heart is sacred, and through my years of joy and pain I have realized this, at this very moment. Every scar, every pain, every tear, every joy, every bit of happiness, it is all sacred. A scarred sacred heart. A heart to help heal the world, one teardrop, one hug, one love at a time.

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