Life has such a beautiful and painful way of guiding us in all the lessons we are to learn to become stronger people. It gives us just enough strife to overcome, and I say just enough in terms of even the slightest bit more and I would topple over. I can look at myself and truthfully, most wholeheartedly, say that I am a strong woman. A strong human, that can handle… Maybe handle is the wrong word. I can navigate through the wearing of many different hats and heartaches. I can still soar through the darkened soot filled skies, and wings dirtied I can land near the oceans and rivers, lakes and streams, and wash clean my scars and heartaches. No one ever said life was easy, a life worth living anyway. My soul is enormous, my heart knows no bounds, I cannot find peace in settling.
One thing that has become crystal clear to me over the past couple months, is that my biggest enemy is myself. My inner voice is my mother’s telling me that I am worthless and not enough. But I cannot blame her, she had her own mother in her head telling her the same lies. For that is what they are, lies. Deceptions. I have just recently learned to see through the fog that the voice creates. I can see the illusion, I can see the lies. I am not my mother, and I never will be, but her voice will always be in my head. This is my greatest struggle and the one thing I always have to keep my soul’s eye upon. When I say I am stupid and worthless, fat and ugly, no one loves me…. These are not my words, they are hers, and when I see it the fog lifts and I glow once more. Clarity and peace take me. This is how I was conditioned, it cannot be undone. What we think about the world and ourselves is molded when we are young. It forms our brain into specific patterns. This is who I am. So, I have to learn ways to cope with my inner demons, so to speak. That inner voice causing me harm. I have to be to myself the mother I never had.
I don’t know how I came to all these realizations, perhaps it is the fact that I am stubborn, or that my empathy is so large I could never cause someone harm. Sometimes, I wish I could tell other people how I do it so I can help them. But, I think you have to get to the point where you want to change, and change is painful at first. The thought of more pain can seem unbearable, but this pain is different, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The strange thing is, you get to the light and then go back into the tunnel. I know that each time I am back in that tunnel, I learn about myself more deeply. I realize that I will always be back in that tunnel, to learn and grow and that there will always be that light to look forward to. And maybe someday I will also look forward to the dark of the tunnel. That time has not yet come, but I know it will some day.