I have always loved romance movies and novels. Being swept away by a love so intense that it makes the whole world fade away. I made a profound realization this evening that I have never made before. I watched a movie on Netflix called After, this isn’t a review, honestly, I watch the sappiest of movies and love them, but this is just for reference. As I sat there at the end of the movie all I wanted to do was cry. I could see my heart in my chest cracked open and my life force spilling out. I looked around and felt longing. I realized at that moment that the reason I love romance novels and movies so much is so that I don’t lose that feeling of passion and love. It helps me keep love alive, or the idea of it, it helps me from hardening. My heart longs for someone, somewhere out there that I have not yet met. Is it strange to say I can feel the distance between us? I can see more clearly over these last few months than I ever have my whole life. I used to let loneliness rule me, and I let it push me into the next relationship. I don’t know if I will ever find the person my heart longs for, and maybe this is a way of pushing love away, but it doesn’t feel like it. It feels like I finally know what I want, and I won’t settle for anything less. I do realize my fears however, I can see clearly how cautious I am with people. I don’t want to be hurt, and even more so, I don’t want to hurt anyone again. The blessing and curse of an empath is that I can feel all my decisions from every angle. I feel myself, my partner, my kids, friends, people around. I can feel the jabs of pain from every angle. As I type I can see why I have become so cautious, so guarded, even with friendships. Our emotions are why we remember the way we do, it is the feelings that keep memories alive within us. Once that feeling is let go, the memories fade. I have been carrying around the pain of every past love I have ever had, it is no wonder I am weary, I am cautious to add more pain to the mix! I didn’t realize until this evening that I was even doing this, not until the sadness hit me, and I was pulled to my keyboard. The more I type, the clearer things become. My love is my life force, it always has been. I take sadness and I give love. But when I can no longer give, when I am too full of sadness, my love runs dry. I leave, I run, I try to get away. And when I have been gone for some time I feel my love returning as the moon pulls on the tides and crashes emotions to the shore. When my love returns, that is when I wonder and look deeply at my life and all I have done. I have always loved being alone to recharge, I love being alone now, but I can now clearly see it is because I feel like the world is safe if I am alone. Such a silly thing to uncover about oneself and the motives of my subconscious. What a deep and sad thing to realize about oneself. But all things must be illuminated eventually, and when they are they can transform, and that is love, that is healing.

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