My grief has taken me this morning, like the hurricane takes the land. So gloriously freeing, and painful. Damn you wretched heart, some wounds go too deep and will never heal. I feel the grief pour out of me like a crack in a dam, it pushes until I finally break. Years of agony from my childhood. Not being able to protect those precious to me because my hands were too small and my voice not quite loud enough. A man who was meant to protect us and woman who was supposed to nurture, another man who let us go without a fight. A brother who was never treated with dignity and left this world too early. Words that have torn through my soul from people that I gave my heart to, friends and lovers. And myself a wandering soul, with that last string of my family, my blood, so far from me that the knives like daggers in my heart, endlessly bleeding out. I thwart so much grief from my psyche that when I read an article or hear/see something that reminds me of the pain I crumble, like the falling of an old wise tree that has died from too many years of harsh weather. You could never know what pains lie in the scars of my heart, what grief, what sadness, what guilt. This is why I understand it so very deeply. It is my best friend, and my worst enemy. I am so grateful for all the love in my life, but I don’t deserve it. You can’t heal scars, they last forever. Like the ebb and flow of the ocean, sometimes the waters are calm, and sometimes the waves hit so hard they tear you to pieces. This is my life. I will forever love and live with all my heart, but with that comes a grief that tears me down when the wind shifts direction. When the world is quiet and all I can hear is the beat of my own scarred heart, still capable of the deepest love the world has ever known. My love is deeper because of my scars, because of my pain. And I will never stop loving, no matter how much pain it brings. My heart is sacred, and through my years of joy and pain I have realized this, at this very moment. Every scar, every pain, every tear, every joy, every bit of happiness, it is all sacred. A scarred sacred heart. A heart to help heal the world, one teardrop, one hug, one love at a time.
I have been thinking a lot about relationships lately. All kinds of relationships but with my wedding right around the corner I have been thinking a lot about romantic relationships between people. I used to believe that two people needed to be whole before a relationship could last, but I am finding that this just isn’t true. When you find someone that makes life feel complete, feel whole, this is the want I have always seeked out. At the same time I am witnessing what will happen when that hole is once again a part of your life. A recent loss in our family has made this whole experience joyous, but heart wrenchingly sad at the same time. I wish I had a magick wand that I could wave and bring him back, well and whole, because I want to see him again but mostly to heal her heart. I know her tears will lessen and she will once again be able to ‘carry on’ again, but she will forever have a deep rooted scar that will never heal. She lost the other part of herself. This pain scares me, scares me to death. Some day I might be in her situation, or he might be. I used to think that this kind of pain wasn’t worth it, but the truth is that it is. I see her in pain but I also get to hear stories of the amazing life they had together, the magickal love they shared. It makes the pain worth it. As I am a couple weeks away from marrying a man whom fits my soul like a key to a lock, I can’t wait for the next chapter of our lives. We are moving to Maine come June, which was only more solidified with the news that our landlady is selling the house we are renting come Summer. I am scared, but excited. I have no delusions anymore about finding a love/life like the movies or books. These aren’t real, I am joyously happy that I have a real life, a real relationship, and a man that completes me. A man I love so deeply and that I get to spend the rest of my days with. Sure we will have bad days, it’s life, it’s how we talk, handle, and deal with every situation that matters. I still have my head in the clouds but I feel more leveled and more realistic. Funny, I almost prefer all the fights we had in the beginning… Taught us how to communicate with each other, and to love each other more deeply. I have loved and lost here in Kansas, I can’t wait to start our new life. Whoever says that moving doesn’t change anything, change your life, perspectives, etc… Has never truly moved and traveled. I will take the lessons from the pain here and keep the love and memories forever.
I have gone through many transformations in my life, but I have never regressed to the extent that I have over the last 8 months. Being here I have felt like I was 13 again. Like life just halted and took me back to a time, place, and person I no longer am. I have spent this time battling with things like learning how to communicate again, standing up for myself, depression, anxiety, rumors, and the list goes on. I have realized that I have held onto only one thing from my childhood, an idea of who someone close to me is, or was. I have always had in my life that one person that I could confide in, could tell all my sorrows to, cry on, and in turn them just listen without judgement, without simply hating all other parties involved. I have never had this with this person, over the years we have simply found each other and shared our lives. Neither of us are who we thought the other to be. I feel like I can let go of this idea I have had for so many years, and be at peace. Like I can fully be who I am, without some lingering past version of myself butting it’s way in. My future is empty and ready to be drawn and written in the way I choose, me… No one else, no other force. I make the decisions I do because it is what I want, what my heart is directing me to do, and I am tired of defending that. And I should never have to, and I never will again. It hurts to grow, but that is what makes us grow, that pain. The sadness, the hurt. I look back and feel silly for the way in which I behaved in certain moments, but I needed these moments to grow, to become stronger, to be me and no one else. I don’t need anyone, those in my life are here because I enjoy them here, I value them immensely, and I love them. Plain and simple, now it’s time to move on ❤
I have been through a lot of changes the past couple of weeks, but the biggest one I am having trouble learning to handle is the negative gossip that is said, or thought, about me. I simply cannot fathom where it could even come from, why would you have such negative views about me when you really don’t even know me? I get that the things I have done in this life and experiences that I have experienced would turn some off, but they do not make me a bad person. Nor do they mean that I have problems; It means that I am open to new experiences, that I am not afraid to try new things, nor am I afraid to meet new people and hear new ideas. This being said I am brought back to the title of this entry: What People Think of Me is None of My Business. People will think of me what they will, when I let if affect me it changes me into something that I am not, something that I do not care to be nor fits with my psyche. Not everyone will like me, and that’s okay. I have spent a lifetime of worrying about what others thought of me, because I want everyone to like me. But this isn’t real, it is fake. I am not saying that I will outwardly be rude to these people, honestly I sometimes am, but just because you are being ‘friendly’ with another human does not mean that you are fake, it means that you are respectful. So, in short, I love who I am, what I have done so far in this life, and how I raise my son to be open, understanding, and accepting. I have had one hell of a life so far, I can’t wait to see what the rest will bring ❤ Don’t let anyone’s opinions or judgments affect who you are, it’s none of your business anyway ❤
7 months of insanity, of lessons. I feel my spirit growing thin, my passion fading. I am on a path currently where I am learning to balance the dark side of myself, that side that is extremely self-conscious, judgmental, angry, and sad. I do feed off the energy of others, and at times have a hard time differentiating between my own emotions and others, but I also believe the things we see in others, and hate or dislike, are things within ourselves that we do not like. I feel like I am falling into a depression, a big black precipice with no sign of light, but part of me is excited to jump in with both feet; as strange as that sounds. I hate it here, because there is something I hate within myself. It is deep and painful, and the hatred and bigotry of the people in this place are only fuel to that fire. Don’t get me wrong Kansas does have a beauty, I would never deny her that, but I long for the tree’s and the ocean; they heal a part of me that nothing else can seem to heal. I am realizing more and more that I need these two elements to survive. I know I will be with them again soon, but for now I am learning about the darker side of who I am, and struggling to learn to embrace her and find a healthy balance. I thought that living in a small town would be a nice change of pace, that there would be a peacefulness, a resting period for me. Instead I was greeted by hatred, gossip, lies, cold shoulders, fake smiles, and trash talking. I get it, to a point, here I come rolling into town from Louisiana with my California plates and sweeping up a newly single man. I get it, but it has been 4 months, and as people are starting to ‘warm’ up to me, I find myself being worn down by all the bullshit. I am from Seattle, I am of that kind of people, I realize that now. I am used to surrounding myself with loving hippie tree hugger types, like myself. How does one handle these negative energies, I feel lazy, I don’t even want to try anymore to be happy. Sure I could meditate, cleanse, smudge the house, etc. but I don’t. I just want to be a hermit, to never really leave home, unless it is to do something away from these little towns, away from these people and their judging glares. I can’t stand women who abuse their partners, or cheat, or lie, or are just plain bitches. Women who don’t support their partners, in all aspects of life, including their passions. What is wrong with people here? I just don’t get it, I have never had to live in such an environment, aside from when I was a child, it’s infuriating and makes me never want anything to do with the women around here. I am sure the lesson is in here somewhere along the lines of learning to accept people just as they are and that they are on their own path of lessons, etc. But I just can’t get to that yet. I can’t be around these people and pretend to like them, pretend that I don’t see what they are doing, and accept it… I would rather just stay away than see it. I used to preach about accepting each other no matter what, about unconditional love for everyone no matter what their choices, but at what point is it enough? At what point do you not accept it? I feel like accepting it is like telling these people it is ok to act and treat people in this way. It is not!! I feel like as a human I cannot accept this anymore, we will die as a species because of our stupid need for violence, religion, and segregation. Vanity, bigotry, hatred, envy, conceit, cheating, abuse…. We don’t learn as a people, we don’t join together, we only fight. How does one mentally survive this craziness? I don’t think we will survive as a species, if I am to be honest. I am tired of it all, I am tired of people, I can see why those men that we call ‘crazy mountain men’ are in fact mountain men. I don’t see them as crazy, I see it as survival.
I have learned many hard lessons over the last few months, and still more to learn. I would like to say that I have come out ‘on top’ and feel great about the outcome of things but I let my emotions and anger get the best of me and I stooped to the level of those that were pushing me around for their own gain. Strangely the biggest thing I learned about myself is that I still let people walk all over me, but the second someone lays in on my child a fury comes out that is almost uncontrollable. I MUST start protecting myself with the same ferocity that I protect my son with. My last living situation was not very good (don’t get me wrong, there were some happy times, but for the most part it was a very difficult situation and I felt like I was walking on egg shells most of the time), I tried to make light of it but I can honestly see why so many others have left the position, hid in their rooms, or were fired. I don’t regret anything I have said over the past couple of months, I meant every word, it was how I was feeling at the moment and some parts I still feel today. I do however feel that some of the things I shared for support could have been worded privately to my closest friends but I felt attacked, and instead of being the better person I did exactly what she did on her page and ‘fought back’. I think horrible children are the result of bad parenting, not the child. I am not saying I am perfect in any stretch of the parenting word, but my son is kind and respectful and when he isn’t he has consequences, and as alone as I have felt over the years I have never used my son as a companion. He is my son, my child, not someone to keep me company because I am feeling alone or insecure. This was one of the hardest things to witness over the last few months, some parts I would even say were very close, if not completely, child abuse. I have cut all ties with everyone I met in Louisiana, but I am still haunted by them. I became someone I am not and I am having a hard time letting that feeling go. I was contemplating writing to them but I don’t feel they deserve an apology, yet in the same breath the apology would not be for them but for myself. I suppose I can just simply say here and to myself that I forgive myself….
“Anna, I forgive you <3”
I feel so much better 😀 Thank you for taking the time to read my passing thoughts on this beautiful day ❤ Time to move on and continue shining and living 😀
My life is always in a state of fluid movement. So, when a friend referred me to a woman looking for some live in farm help I jumped at the opportunity! My best friend laughs at me because one of the main reasons I ‘jumped’ at the opportunity was because Cardin came to me one morning and asked how much a horse was, he had had a dream that we lived with a bunch of horses. When I woke up and checked my Facebook, sure enough there was the referral. Instead of dumping my money into an RV, which was my initial plan for my tax return, I instead fixed up my car and drove us to Louisiana; 1,855 miles. The drive took us 3 days, and I wish we would have taken more time to really take in the places we were travelling through, maybe even camped along the way; lessons learned from travelling. This said, the land was pretty much barren, dirt as far as the eye could see, and driving through the state of Texas was somewhat torturous; are we out yet, are we out yet? I can’t even describe the look of joy on Cardin’s face when we got closer to Louisiana and he started seeing trees!! He was born in the Seattle area and hikes in the Hoh Rainforest or up in Snoqualmie were a weekly adventure. He misses the trees, well missed the trees, I can’t get him out of them!
We have been here since February 11th and are leaving on April 28th. Our time here has been exciting, trying, heart breaking, eye opening, loving, wet!, and many other things that have enriched our lives and spirits. We have made life long friends of humans and animals here. I was contemplating staying long term, however I can’t seem to quiet this need to be nomadic. Our home base for now is still in Riverside, CA, but we don’t plan to be there for quite some time. Kansas is next on our list, but before I get to that bit (in another post) I want to continue on with Louisiana (I am very easily side tracked).
We came at a very crazy time of the year for this area, Carnival (Mardi Gras). I have always wanted to go to Mardi Gras, at least once. This experience was quite different than what I had ever imagined, especially since I was a part of the parades. Hours of walking with the horses and dancing down the parade routes, and days in rows of getting home around 2am to get up early and get the horses and gear ready for the next parade; it was a time full of stress, sleepiness, angry words, hard work, and fun (usually all in one night haha). Watching all the different types of people, young and old, screaming for throws. When I say screaming, I mean literal horror movie screaming, I was a bit terrified the first big parade I walked in. The trash, booze, and debauchery flows thickly and I found it hard to choke down at times. I don’t think I would ever ‘willingly’ just go and be an observer of one of these parades, but I will work them for the money! Hypocritical I am sure, but I am okay with that for now; we shall see how I feel in a year or two. All this being said, I don’t really care for Carnival, but like I said it is good work.
I still haven’t had the chance to ride yet, might not get the chance this year and that is ok; we will be back in November. Caring for the horses was some intense work for me at first, especially since I spent the whole last year sitting around at my Dad’s house. I have lost a lot of fat and gained a lot of muscle over the last couple of months. I have a deep love for the horses here, and I will admit that at times they scare the crap out of me. I have made some realizations that I prefer to see horses running freely in the pasture than I do when they are all tacked up. There is such a peaceful elegant presence about horses that can calm the soul, and a healthy respect that they can bust me up if they feel they need to. The Saddlebreds especially freak me out, I have to move very slow and cautiously to not spook them too badly, as well as keep a watchful eye on where I am in orientation to them in the stall. But, even though they are jumpy, I love them all. All the different personalities, and the ways they show their emotions. I can see why she surrounds herself with these majestic animals. Also, the biggest animals I have ever really been so close to and cared for; especially the English Shires, Izzy is 17.3 hands tall and she is so very beautiful. When I watch her out in the paddock she looks like something from a fairy tale dream. One of the amazing experiences I have had here that I will never forget was helping birth a baby goat, I actually had to reach my arm up into the beautiful Buttercup (Nubian Goat) and help her with her babies. Very slimy but such an amazing experience that I am so happy to have experienced.
As time has gone on here at the farm I am made aware that I really don’t want to do this work on a long term basis. Each day is harder and harder to get out of bed, I am tired and worn down. I love it here but cannot stay forever, so we made the arrangement for seasonal work and that works perfectly for us. Allows us to continue travelling around this crazy US. As for Louisiana itself, we are still exploring but have learned quite a bit. We recently went on a swamp tour and took a hike through what used to be Logtown. It is a very interesting world down here, in about a week will will go and explore New Orleans (without parades haha) and I will devote posts to each of these places, but this post is just more of an update and little peak into our lives here so far. I am excited to see what other years bring for us here.
A long array of minutes and seconds go by between my posts; I want to write more, but sometimes the words are blocked by the diligent beavers in my mind. I find distractions in playing my guitar (which I just came back from) or from the mindless chatter of the spiders on the web. The stories and words play in my mind like trapped images in a snowglobe, wanting to be accidently dropped and shattered on the paper. I feel as though my words aren’t as ‘put together’ as I envision them to be; I should not hold the opinions of what others think of my writings so high but I do, I can’t seem to help it. I spill my blood and soul when I write, I do not want that to be judged, and yet I feel the need for it at times. Something to fuel that fire deep within me. I won’t say my flame is dwindling, but I can feel parts of myself being hit by the cold waters of the ocean on the lava flow of my heart, and forever turning to volcanic glass. Yet a hope lies in its midst because glass can be shattered and remolded. I feel myself becoming bitter, like the old rine of a once juicy sweet orange. I am not sure if anyone can meet the standards I have placed in my mind, if anyone can shatter my black glass heart. Don’t misjudge what I am writing, my heart bleeds with so much love I don’t know what to do with it all at times, but it breaks everyday… It aches like a day old wound, a slice in my heart that is still healing. I judge lately, because I am judging myself. I crave the touch of a man so intensely that at times I feel like I can go insane with the need. The older I get, the more the need grows. If I could be a slut a lot of my tensions would fade, yet the touch I crave is more than just a one night stand. I crave the touch of someone who loves and desires me, who is the King to my Queen, the Thorn to my Rose. I don’t think it is weak to want these things, there is a power in admitting it, but also a deafening sorrow in my heart. So many words still rushing in my mind, but not having any clarity. This is a good start to some truths that need to be let out of my mind, now maybe there will be a little more room for some new flowers to blossom.
When I write sometimes words only come to me during feelings of intense emotions. I share them because I like the way my mind creatively put the words together, not that I necessarily still feel the same way. The last post I shared was just one of those instances, I just wanted to clarify 🙂 I live an amazing life and I am happier than I have ever been, and as our chapter in California is coming to a close I look back with a happy heart of our time here. Sure there were hardships, life’s trials, broken hearts, and hurt feelings. But there was also so much love and light that it made the sad times worth it. Leaving in November is bittersweet for me. On one hand I get to live my life that way I have always wanted to live, Gypsy Free! and on the other I have to leave behind newfound friends, newfound family, but the hardest part is leaving my dad. As we will only be gone physically, and we will most definitely be visiting, I wish I could just pack him and Pita up for the ride. But maybe I will be able to talk him into getting a new bike and taking some travels as well 🙂 I just wanted to say I love you all and I think of you all often, and only in the best light. Expect some entries about our adventures here, and the ones we have yet to take! Coming up soon Oak Glen, Torrey Pines, and others 😀 We will also be going to Yosemite soon and staying for a few days! ❤
As with all great plans in life they take detours, beatings, losses, and joys. This October will mark a year since we rolled into Riverside, California, and as I have loved the time with my Dad, it is now time to start moving on to other things. My heart broke when I watched our RV drive away from my father’s home, it was in no way able to continue serving us the way we needed it to, and I now find myself trying to save up money for another vehicle of sorts. Most likely one we can make a temporary home out of as we travel across the US. Bouncing from organic farm to organic farm until we reach the east coast. Where I will hopefully have it so that Cardin will have his passport so we can backpack across the UK, Ireland, Scotland, etc. But the key now lies in two things for us. 1. is straying away from just ‘saving money’ and instead manifesting what I need and 2. find my spiritual path once again. I don’t know how much longer we will be here but, we will make the best time of it that we can possibly make 😀 Which, if I say so myself, will be one kick ass of a time! I love you all who have stood by us, watched us in silent prayers from afar, loved us, and helped us along however you could. We love you all very much!! ❤ always and forever!