Hell on Earth

I meant to post this yesterday but spent my day painting instead!
Rage rooms
This is what we are as a people. Capable of so much beauty and peace, but stuck in a loop of destruction. The world is changing, becoming more violent every day. There is no place for kind people anymore, we are a dying breed. I am tired of all the hate, of all the anger, I feel it welling inside my soul. The empath that I am feels all of this as if it were my own.
Like cancer Upon our species.
Why is it that we can’t live in peace? Why can’t we let the anger go?
Fighting for a Cause,
fighting to be heard,
fighting for respect,
fighting for rights,
fighting, fighting,
Is this all we know? It seems to be what our species knows how to do best. I don’t believe that we will evolve. Even if our species is all but wiped out, we might change for a time, but jealousy, anger, and greed will creep back in. The need for power, the need for control, that fight, that violence seems to be innate in human beings. We have created hell, and we are angrily living in it.


Different Ways, Russian Doll Healing

I was reading an article in the magazine Kindred Spirit on the Matryoshka Method, developed by Therapist Cedric Speyer. In the article he brings up some key things that I never really thought about. He says that traditional therapies focus on our pain, the peeling back of layers of pain to find the ‘root’ pain. This is a very painful process, full of tears and agony. But, what if we instead focused on what is good and ‘right’ about ourselves and then build up from that? This is the Matryoshka Method. Starting with what is right, whole, and good at our cores and then building the layers from there, all fitting within each other like the Matryoshka (Russian) dolls. If in the end we are not defined, or trying to not be defined, by our past pains, then why are we focusing on our pain? As quoted from the article “Imagine the smallest, innermost doll as the essential core of goodness inside each of us. When you start from there, you can build up your Russian doll layer by layer, realigning the outer personas with the essential needs, values, and intentions of your innermost Russian doll.” *page 35 of the July 2016 issue of Kindred Spirit* Seeking with the soul, and seeing with the heart. What better way to heal? As the article states, this is not about treating psychological conditions, but a creative way to practice attunement, realignment, and ongoing calibration, based on what our souls want and need based on the ‘shape’ of our innermost Russian dolls. I love how the article terms traditional psychotherapy as ‘woundology’. It is in fact woundology. Why would we treat a wound, with a wound? I am excited to embark on the journey of this method. I have lived a life of trying to heal and move on from my past using ‘woundology’, time to try a new method!

I have searched and searched the webs for more information on this method, and have come up empty. I have added a link in my reference above to the magazine containing the article if you are more interested in checking it out, I highly recommend it!

Gender Roles

I am pretty sure my words have found this topic on other occasions, but the subject still weighs heavy on my mind and spirit. As it is true, and proven, women can perform any job a man can and vise versa. But, the fact remains that there are things that women do with ease that men struggle to get through, just as there are things that a man can do with almost no effort that takes a great deal of energy from a woman. I understand this is the age of equal rights, and this is far from what I am talking about here. Men by nature are providers, in tribal conditions they hunt and protect. Women are nurturers, and by pure definition that means to care for and encourage growth and development. Society has made it so that we rely on our men to take on this role when we are tired, burned out, or stressed. We are tribe minded people and in a tribal condition the other women would take up the slack and support each other. So, since our “civilized” world separates families into their own “tribes” the one woman of the household has to take up all the slack, and when needing a break relies on the husband. Which then causes conflict because men are not meant for such roles, it becomes a struggle and all then become stressed. As a single mom I am very stressed, especially since I have to take up both roles. It makes it to a point where I cannot function fully in each role, which then causes a lot of conflict because my son and myself are not getting what we need. I feel it within me, a deep craving, to only have to worry about providing the nurturing aspects for him. Teaching, loving, raising him to be the best human he can, and wants, to be. I hate having to worry about money, or food, etc. I feel like I am spread so thin, I barely have enough energy for anything. Some tell me that I should put Cardin into public school and not home school; as though this would fix all my problems, it will not. I think that one day all of the “civilized” world will die off due to stresses, and diseases and all that will remain of the human race will be those whom live in tribal communities. I long for this type of community, the woman in me longs for it…


For those of curious mind, I want to leave you with this.
I am not a pessimist.
By mere definition a pessimist is one who expects the worst possible outcome.
I simply respond to what I see, to what I hear, to what I read, to what I encounter in this life.
I see much beauty in the world, and around me,
And I can see the beauty in just about every circumstance.
But the things that I am passionate about,
I speak about. I write about. I try to capture in some sense, to share. So I can hopefully at least bring to life that things in this life are not always what they seem.
Sometimes the truth is very ugly, and we would rather look the other way and focus on the positive.
But truth be told  the ugly is still there. The horrors do not go away because we cover our eyes, our ears, hide our minds in pretty thoughts.
I feel that we have pretty much mastered focusing on what good there still is in the world, now we need to open our eyes and see the whole of everything that is our world, planet, universe, etc.
I am a realist, if that comes off as pessimistic so be it. But your pretty words and thoughts are not healing anything in this world. Ignoring it only makes it grow like a cancer.

Adventuring With J.R.R. Tolkien

Today we started a journey through the magical world of Middle Earth. Cardin and I have begun reading The Hobbit. I was going to simply read the book with him but I decided that there is so much more to the literary work of Tolkien than simply reading through his book. I found a site called Tolkien’s Middle Earth: Lesson Plans for Secondary School EducatorsSome of the information is far above my 4th graders comprehension, but I have been able to explain most of the information in a way he understands. This will be combining a lot of our studies and hopefully make them more enjoyable; If not at first, hopefully later. So far I am impressed with this site! We have only read chapter one of The Hobbit and are working our way slowly through the site. Today we learned about the life of J.R.R. Tolkien (a brief synapse) and some of the key vocabulary used. I will also be working in art everyday as we will sketch out a scene that happened in the chapter. I know my son’s love for movies and video games will still be there, but it is my hope that, with this new method with reading, he will grow a love and passion for literature.


Compassion, Love, and Celebration

Lately, I have been, in my opinion, overly envious of those whom have things I do not. What I choose to see is the good that everyone else has, without seeing the trials and troubles. I look past my own good in life and see only my troubles and heartaches. By seeing only the good things and happenings of others and focusing on only the troubles in my life I create a hell on earth, so to speak. Some have what I do not, but they also have things that I myself struggle with. People aren’t just rainbows and sunshine, there is pain and suffering that we all go through. From physical aliments to mental, from abuse to seclusion. It is time I set some challenges for myself and any others whom would like to join me. Today I start a journey of Compassion and Celebration. What does this mean exactly? According to Wikipedia compassion is the virtue of empathy for the suffering of others. It is regarded as a fundamental part of human love, and a cornerstone of greater social interconnection and humanism. I feel the need to define these words (compassion, empathy, love, and affection) because I feel that in today’s world they have become simply words with no meaning. The word love, for example, is used so often for so many things that we have forgotten its true meaning. We apply it to things that are not “real” instead of applying it toward each other. We love our cars, movies, phones, cameras, etc… and yet we rarely love each other. Love is so often applied to “family love” and “romantic love”. But what does this mean? Do we really mean we “love” someone or is it just a word we say? We don’t leave hearts on our guy/girl friends facebook walls just to show we love them, because of course this would mean we are “interested” in them. But at the same time, it should never be overused in playful banter because it then again loses its meaning. It is only when the intent has meaning that the word, the heart, comes alive and beats.

Compassion: The virtue of empathy for the suffering of others

Empathy: The ability to understand and share the feelings of another

Love: An intense feeling of deep affection

Affection: A gentle feeling of fondness or liking

I used to believe that I had to “work” on myself, to heal, before I could have true love and compassion for others. Yesterday was a long day full of great conversations and revelations that were not realized until this morning while writing this blog. Which actually was starting off as a sort of virtual hand slap to myself for being envious of others, but transformed into a deeper meaningful lesson and journey. I found myself, yesterday during some after church conversations, trying to speed some conversations along so I could talk to other people. When I realized what I was doing, I stopped, and I listened. My mind quieted and all I heard was what the other person was saying. I felt them, I was with them, and I could see the change in them as they knew I was actually hearing them. I later then got to talk on the computer with Jimmy! In retrospect I think I, more or less, word vomited a lot, but he allowed me to “unload” my mind. Which is exactly what I needed, because today I can think much more clearly without all the non-sense rattling around in my head.

I just finished watching these two TED talks on Love and Compassion. I invite you to take the time to watch them, for they could greatly impact your way of thinking.

Love to you all,

❤ Anna