She could feel the world around her pressing in.
Like a vise slowly adding pressure to her chest.
Breathing became difficult.
Thoughts became clouded.
The anxiety was crushing.
A little voice came from her shadows “face me”.
So she stood tall,
a warrior,
a goddess,
a woman on a journey to heal herself.
She stood there and looked into the cool darkness.
Felt it all around her as she stepped into it.
This is shadow work, she thought.
She had been wondering how to do it,
what she was supposed to do.
This was her work,
Her medicine.
For everyone it is different,
for her, it was standing in her power,
as a warrior ready for battle,
but laying down her sword.
A white flag,
and also a fierceness that she would come out victorious.
This is how she befriended her demons,
her shadows.
By standing tall with them,
embracing them,
and calling them into her power.
For she would no longer be held as a victim,
no, not ever again.
Nor would she bloody herself in a fight that would only make the vice stronger.
No, this was about sweet surrender.
A warrior’s surrender,
to herself,
and an awakening of a power so immense that she radiated it through her whole world.
Those who wished her ill stayed away,
and those who needed her protection found solace under her wings.
But she would not let them stay there.
For they could not.
Instead, she helped them also stand into their warrior selves.
And through her strength,
she forged an army of warriors that stood tall with their shadows as their guides and confidantes.
She forged a mighty power from the dark.
And brought balance.
Lessons From the Dirt
Her roots wind and twist,
Through the dark rich soil.
Her branches reach into the wide unknown,
Like roots planted in the sky.
Can I be rooted,
And still, have wings?
I now know how caged birds feel.
Wanting so badly to unfold into the heavens,
To feel the breeze lift and sway their existence to a new place.
I pull when my emotions become too much.
I pull the long delicate strands of hair,
I pull weeds that fill my gardens.
I pull away,
I pull at the ones I love for answers,
That never come.
I try and eliminate weeds in my life,
But they inevitably come back,
with a vengeance that is untameable.
This is the true wild fury of nature.
I can find peace in this life,
For brief moments.
But only if those in it
can find peace and happiness as well.
I don’t understand…
why?…
There is rarely peace here,
Only brief moments of bliss.
That come and go with the passing winds.
This is where I am now,
This is where I live.
Learning the lessons that need to be learned…
The same lessons,
deeper lessons,
the spiral of the lesson.
The darker chapter that needs to be embraced,
Not forgotten or pushed away.
For I am the dark and the light,
I am everything,
And I am nothing…
I have lived with the roots in the sky,
Found shelter in their branches.
Felt the sun on my flesh,
And the winds in my hair.
But now it is a time to live with the roots in the ground.
To absorb the nutrient-rich lessons they teach.
To live with the dirt,
and all those that dwell upon and in it.
It isn’t in my blood to give up,
Giving up is never an option.
But I will no longer fight,
I am tired of fighting.
It is a time of healing and learning.
A time of letting go.
A time of embracing my ever-changing,
true self.
Empty Explanations
I wish I could explain how much anger and frustration hurts me,
How it breaks me down into some hollow shell of a being,
How it turns my heart black.
I wish I could explain the way my heart breaks when my children don’t want me around,
Or my very presence seems to annoy them.
I wish I could explain.
I wish you could see and feel through my heart and soul.
Today, I just want to run away from all of it.
There is more anger and frustration here than love at times,
And it is too heavy to carry.
I wish I could explain how the years of trying to make everyone happy,
every single day,
has worn me to the point of unhappiness.
I wish I could explain that I know it is of my own doing.
But the explanations have become exhausting,
I am so very tired,
And I have been reduced to nothing more than this hollow empty shell.
I Am Lake Natron
I am being swallowed,
consumed,
by a blackness that I cannot escape.
I feel it hanging heavily from every limb and organ of my body.
I am like the Lake Natron,
A beautifully deadly water,
I will turn you into a calcified corpse.
Maybe I myself am just that.
Where Medusas stare once held me,
I now float through life,
a lifeless statue.
I know so many methods,
and have so many tools,
To help me escape this.
But I am trapped,
Trapped by the black tar that holds me.
I don’t expect you to understand,
I don’t talk about this because you can never understand.
You cannot walk my shoes,
You would never survive the maze of my mind,
But I don’t blame you,
I don’t hate you,
Even though at times I do.
Even when good things happen,
The joy within me is only temporary,
And It fades like the moon fades from a clouded sky.
I am stuck in a loop,
A hallway that continues forever with no doors.
You will never understand me,
and this is where love dies.
I cannot be what you want me to be…
Victory in The Small Things
My mind is tired,
body sore.
My cat’s purr rumbles like mini earthquakes through my flesh.
Almost ready,
to stretch my body
and put my mind at ease.
Flowing Flowing Flowing
Breathing Breathing Breathing
I meditate on the movements of my sore tired body.
These small moments,
Where I push through.
Push even though I’m tired and hurting.
These are the moments in which I feel victorious.
Breathing Life
Life is the sun on my face through a passing window,
A hot cup of tea on an icy cold day,
Breath in my lungs,
Love in my heart.
I feel the glitter of goosebumps on my skin.
Every breath deeper and deeper,
My stress melts away.
And the heaviness falls,
Like the avalanche of snow off a mountainside.
My True Freedom
I saw a hawk soaring and gliding the pastel blue sky. The clouds like pillows waiting for when he decided to rest his wings. My heart wanted to fly out of my chest and soar the heavens alongside him; a spirit on the winds, unbridled and free. Maybe it’s that I have a traveler’s spirit, or that I understand something that many have forgotten. As I sit here on this fluffy, seemingly comfortable, couch, all I want is a seat that is of a tree and grass. I want the wind to dance with and play in my hair, the sounds of crickets and toads in my ears at night. When I look up into the dark sky, I want to see the moon and stars fill horizon to horizon. There is a freedom outside of these walls that we have become so comfortable to call home. Home is the grass and mud under my feet, the sweet melody of a river and gaze of a mountain, a sunset over a valley of grass, trees, and wildlife; untouched by man’s inventions. I am more often than not pulled to these places. A pull that is so deep that when I do follow I meld and feel my connection to everything in this universe. What keeps me in these prisons of metal and sheet-rock? I feel so disconnected from what is truly important that I try to fill my time with non-sense; occupying myself until complete exhaustion, passing out and then starting all over. What drives us to live in this way? Like we’re on a freight train with no certain destination, plowing through everything that is around us to enjoy. What prize is there at the end of the track? I can’t imagine it is a very fulfilling one. I’d be willing to bet that you’d feel emptier than when you started. There is nothing ever to be gained, only enjoyed. And through the enjoyment, we find freedom and peace. I suppose we all find our enjoyment in different places, mine just happens to live in the ebb and flow of everything that is found outside of the walls and devices we become so lost inside.
Me
How could one possibly explain who they are in a few sentences? The true essence of who I am is not seen by the mere reading of a few words or the glance of a picture. The Internet is both wonderful and torturing. It teases us, showing us people we can connect with, but only through the means of sentences and images. You can’t see in an image how I love playing in the dirt or hiking through a forest. You can’t see how passionate I am when I paint, or the look on my face when I get the chance to see the stars. You can’t feel the warmth of my hug or look into my eyes while we talk. You can’t see my face when I laugh, or when I cry. Sometimes I am silent and simply enjoy being in the energy of another. So as these social networking sites bring people into each other’s thoughts, where they were otherwise not, I still crave that physical interaction with another person. As we may be connected here on this cyber plane, please know that someday I would love to meet you, and if it never happens I am happy to have at least known you.
Little Girl
Small hands
Small tears
Life something of a nightmare
So small, such big fears
I begin to weep at the thought of me
So small,
so brave
Nothing breaking spirit,
Even when the body is broken by other’s hands
Small hands
Small tears
Little girl inside,
I see you,
no longer do you need to hide
Call out,
Scream out,
Sing out.
You are free,
be who you are to be
Small hands
Small tears
Big fears
Do not fear who you are,
I am here to catch you if you fall
My small hands
My small tears
My big fears
Listen To The World With Something Other Than Your Ears…
I hear the world through more than what my ears can perceive. I listen with my body and soul. Sounds reverberate and vibrate through me like a tuning fork preparing me for the energy offered by the sound. The pulse in my chest and the rhythm of the music… All reaching down deep inside of me and stirring its great energy with mine. In nature, did you know the tree’s talk? The wind blows through the leaves, the tree echoes back that powerful energy. Placing hands on the bark I can feel the immense energy and wisdom that is more than what even the tree can physically hold. When I want to really see something I will close my eyes, open myself up, and dance in the energy of that which I am “seeing”. People, animals, reptiles, everything we can see and everything we cannot has an energy and a vibration. So, I say:
Listen to the world with something other than your ears,
See with something other than your eyes,
Feel with something other than your skin,
And love with all your heart and soul.
Tune, Vibrate, Reciprocate, and Love the very energy that is us all, that is everything.
For, everything we can see and cannot is in fact energy…
