Different Ways, Russian Doll Healing

I was reading an article in the magazine Kindred Spirit on the Matryoshka Method, developed by Therapist Cedric Speyer. In the article he brings up some key things that I never really thought about. He says that traditional therapies focus on our pain, the peeling back of layers of pain to find the ‘root’ pain. This is a very painful process, full of tears and agony. But, what if we instead focused on what is good and ‘right’ about ourselves and then build up from that? This is the Matryoshka Method. Starting with what is right, whole, and good at our cores and then building the layers from there, all fitting within each other like the Matryoshka (Russian) dolls. If in the end we are not defined, or trying to not be defined, by our past pains, then why are we focusing on our pain? As quoted from the article “Imagine the smallest, innermost doll as the essential core of goodness inside each of us. When you start from there, you can build up your Russian doll layer by layer, realigning the outer personas with the essential needs, values, and intentions of your innermost Russian doll.” *page 35 of the July 2016 issue of Kindred Spirit* Seeking with the soul, and seeing with the heart. What better way to heal? As the article states, this is not about treating psychological conditions, but a creative way to practice attunement, realignment, and ongoing calibration, based on what our souls want and need based on the ‘shape’ of our innermost Russian dolls. I love how the article terms traditional psychotherapy as ‘woundology’. It is in fact woundology. Why would we treat a wound, with a wound? I am excited to embark on the journey of this method. I have lived a life of trying to heal and move on from my past using ‘woundology’, time to try a new method!

I have searched and searched the webs for more information on this method, and have come up empty. I have added a link in my reference above to the magazine containing the article if you are more interested in checking it out, I highly recommend it!

Tired, Broken

My heart is tired,
I don’t know how to heal the damage,
the cyclone of people that have abused it.
I love,
and hate this place.
I feel at home,
but alone.
I am scared to death to make friends,
for only a handful have been decent.
You abuse my family,
You lose me….
Things breaking,
Can’t get ahead.
Violence and hatred,
No one cares for anyone anymore…
I’m tired,
I’m broken….

A Scarred Sacred Heart

My grief has taken me this morning, like the hurricane takes the land. So gloriously freeing, and painful. Damn you wretched heart, some wounds go too deep and will never heal. I feel the grief pour out of me like a crack in a dam, it pushes until I finally break. Years of agony from my childhood. Not being able to protect those precious to me because my hands were too small and my voice not quite loud enough. A man who was meant to protect us and woman who was supposed to nurture, another man who let us go without a fight. A brother who was never treated with dignity and left this world too early. Words that have torn through my soul from people that I gave my heart to, friends and lovers. And myself a wandering soul, with that last string of my family, my blood, so far from me that the knives like daggers in my heart, endlessly bleeding out. I thwart so much grief from my psyche that when I read an article or hear/see something that reminds me of the pain I crumble, like the falling of an old wise tree that has died from too many years of harsh weather. You could never know what pains lie in the scars of my heart, what grief, what sadness, what guilt. This is why I understand it so very deeply. It is my best friend, and my worst enemy. I am so grateful for all the love in my life, but I don’t deserve it. You can’t heal scars, they last forever. Like the ebb and flow of the ocean, sometimes the waters are calm, and sometimes the waves hit so hard they tear you to pieces. This is my life. I will forever love and live with all my heart, but with that comes a grief that tears me down when the wind shifts direction. When the world is quiet and all I can hear is the beat of my own scarred heart, still capable of the deepest love the world has ever known. My love is deeper because of my scars, because of my pain. And I will never stop loving, no matter how much pain it brings. My heart is sacred, and through my years of joy and pain I have realized this, at this very moment. Every scar, every pain, every tear, every joy, every bit of happiness, it is all sacred. A scarred sacred heart. A heart to help heal the world, one teardrop, one hug, one love at a time.

A Chasing Phase

So long I have chased the past,

Through tangling vines and thorns.

To find myself pained and scarred.

What once was,

And People we once ran to,

Are no more. There is no solace in their words or company,

Only empty past versions of who we once were.

The wind blows so fiercely here to tell us to move with it,

Not to stay.

I used to look to past flames,

Search them out.

Strings holding me to an idea of who I once was,

And wanted. But no more.

Depression, anxiety, anger

Is what lies for us when we try to catch our past fireflies fleeing in the night.

We are who we are in this very moment,

No past echo of who we were will ever be again.

Our future selves are unwritten upon the pages of life,

Blank canvases,

We choose who we are,

Who we will be.

The lessons we learn show us who we are and who we are not.

We grow, we change, we evolve.

This is who we truly are,

Evolutionary Beings, Constantly changing.

A Bit of Romace, Lessons, Pain, and Moving

I have been thinking a lot about relationships lately. All kinds of relationships but with my wedding right around the corner I have been thinking a lot about romantic relationships between people. I used to believe that two people needed to be whole before a relationship could last, but I am finding that this just isn’t true. When you find someone that makes life feel complete, feel whole, this is the want I have always seeked out. At the same time I am witnessing what will happen when that hole is once again a part of your life. A recent loss in our family has made this whole experience joyous, but heart wrenchingly sad at the same time. I wish I had a magick wand that I could wave and bring him back, well and whole, because I want to see him again but mostly to heal her heart. I know her tears will lessen and she will once again be able to ‘carry on’ again, but she will forever have a deep rooted scar that will never heal. She lost the other part of herself. This pain scares me, scares me to death. Some day I might be in her situation, or he might be. I used to think that this kind of pain wasn’t worth it, but the truth is that it is. I see her in pain but I also get to hear stories of the amazing life they had together, the magickal love they shared. It makes the pain worth it. As I am a couple weeks away from marrying a man whom fits my soul like a key to a lock, I can’t wait for the next chapter of our lives. We are moving to Maine come June, which was only more solidified with the news that our landlady is selling the house we are renting come Summer. I am scared, but excited. I have no delusions anymore about finding a love/life like the movies or books. These aren’t real, I am joyously happy that I have a real life, a real relationship, and a man that completes me. A man I love so deeply and that I get to spend the rest of my days with. Sure we will have bad days, it’s life, it’s how we talk, handle, and deal with every situation that matters. I still have my head in the clouds but I feel more leveled and more realistic. Funny, I almost prefer all the fights we had in the beginning… Taught us how to communicate with each other, and to love each other more deeply. I have loved and lost here in Kansas, I can’t wait to start our new life. Whoever says that moving doesn’t change anything, change your life, perspectives, etc… Has never truly moved and traveled. I will take the lessons from the pain here and keep the love and memories forever.

Growing Pains

I have gone through many transformations in my life, but I have never regressed to the extent that I have over the last 8 months. Being here I have felt like I was 13 again. Like life just halted and took me back to a time, place, and person I no longer am. I have spent this time battling with things like learning how to communicate again, standing up for myself, depression, anxiety, rumors, and the list goes on. I have realized that I have held onto only one thing from my childhood, an idea of who someone close to me is, or was. I have always had in my life that one person that I could confide in, could tell all my sorrows to, cry on, and in turn them just listen without judgement, without simply hating all other parties involved. I have never had this with this person, over the years we have simply found each other and shared our lives. Neither of us are who we thought the other to be. I feel like I can let go of this idea I have had for so many years, and be at peace. Like I can fully be who I am, without some lingering past version of myself butting it’s way in. My future is empty and ready to be drawn and written in the way I choose, me… No one else, no other force. I make the decisions I do because it is what I want, what my heart is directing me to do, and I am tired of defending that. And I should never have to, and I never will again. It hurts to grow, but that is what makes us grow, that pain. The sadness, the hurt. I look back and feel silly for the way in which I behaved in certain moments, but I needed these moments to grow, to become stronger, to be me and no one else. I don’t need anyone, those in my life are here because I enjoy them here, I value them immensely, and I love them. Plain and simple, now it’s time to move on ❤

What People Think of Me is None of My Business

I have been through a lot of changes the past couple of weeks, but the biggest one I am having trouble learning to handle is the negative gossip that is said, or thought, about me. I simply cannot fathom where it could even come from, why would you have such negative views about me when you really don’t even know me? I get that the things I have done in this life and experiences that I have experienced would turn some off, but they do not make me a bad person. Nor do they mean that I have problems; It means that I am open to new experiences, that I am not afraid to try new things, nor am I afraid to meet new people and hear new ideas. This being said I am brought back to the title of this entry: What People Think of Me is None of My Business. People will think of me what they will, when I let if affect me it changes me into something that I am not, something that I do not care to be nor fits with my psyche. Not everyone will like me, and that’s okay. I have spent a lifetime of worrying about what others thought of me, because I want everyone to like me. But this isn’t real, it is fake. I am not saying that I will outwardly be rude to these people, honestly I sometimes am, but just because you are being ‘friendly’ with another human does not mean that you are fake, it means that you are respectful. So, in short, I love who I am, what I have done so far in this life, and how I raise my son to be open, understanding, and accepting. I have had one hell of a life so far, I can’t wait to see what the rest will bring ❤ Don’t let anyone’s opinions or judgments affect who you are, it’s none of your business anyway ❤

We Are Our Choices

I have been away from the sun, the stars, the moon, the light.
The darkness that was once a deep part of myself,
that I ran from,
is now at the forefront of my mind.
Who is this darker being looking back at me in the ripples of space and time?
The howl of the galaxy lingers in my bones,
and the abyss of blackness shines through my eyes.
What a choice, a choice to live, or a choice to live?
All is technically living, is it not?
Energetic formations spark patterns in my brain,
Is this ‘Who I am?’
Are we not really just the choices we make?
Even if the choice feels ‘wrong’
We are our choices…
I am choosing my darker side,
Perhaps for a time…
And perhaps not completely.
But I do feel the warm darkness comforting me,
While the light brings Winter.
Not completely delving into either light or dark,
A constant limbo in the gray.
Level scales creating chaos,
all Dark or all Light for balance and peace.
Choices, choices, choices
All we really are,
And all we’ll ever really be.

I Hope To Find You Travelling the Stars

I am the fire, burning strong and true,
The wind kindles my flames.
I dance upon the water.
I am a fierce force of love and beauty,
And some cannot handle the pulse of my soul.
Honesty is my nature, even if it takes me time to gain the courage to speak.
You may think you know me, but you only know what you want to see.
I have made it further and done more things from my dreams than most could even gain the courage to do.
But I won’t let it stop me, I am worth the stars and the moon, the galaxies
I am worth all things in this Universe and the next.
I’m done settling, I’m done thinking I am not worth all the great things, I will never stop.
I hope to find you traveling the stars and our paths crossing once again,
But if it doesn’t happen I hope you find peace and happiness,
For I will love you forever, moons and millions.
But even though my heart is aching, I can no longer go on.
I hope I find you traveling the stars.

The Darker Side of Me

7 months of insanity, of lessons. I feel my spirit growing thin, my passion fading. I am on a path currently where I am learning to balance the dark side of myself, that side that is extremely self-conscious, judgmental, angry, and sad. I do feed off the energy of others, and at times have a hard time differentiating between my own emotions and others, but I also believe the things we see in others, and hate or dislike, are things within ourselves that we do not like. I feel like I am falling into a depression, a big black precipice with no sign of light, but part of me is excited to jump in with both feet; as strange as that sounds. I hate it here, because there is something I hate within myself. It is deep and painful, and the hatred and bigotry of the people in this place are only fuel to that fire. Don’t get me wrong Kansas does have a beauty, I would never deny her that, but I long for the tree’s and the ocean; they heal a part of me that nothing else can seem to heal. I am realizing more and more that I need these two elements to survive. I know I will be with them again soon, but for now I am learning about the darker side of who I am, and struggling to learn to embrace her and find a healthy balance. I thought that living in a small town would be a nice change of pace, that there would be a peacefulness, a resting period for me. Instead I was greeted by hatred, gossip, lies, cold shoulders, fake smiles, and trash talking. I get it, to a point, here I come rolling into town from Louisiana with my California plates and sweeping up a newly single man. I get it, but it has been 4 months, and as people are starting to ‘warm’ up to me, I find myself being worn down by all the bullshit. I am from Seattle, I am of that kind of people, I realize that now. I am used to surrounding myself with loving hippie tree hugger types, like myself. How does one handle these negative energies, I feel lazy, I don’t even want to try anymore to be happy. Sure I could meditate, cleanse, smudge the house, etc. but I don’t. I just want to be a hermit, to never really leave home, unless it is to do something away from these little towns, away from these people and their judging glares. I can’t stand women who abuse their partners, or cheat, or lie, or are just plain bitches. Women who don’t support their partners, in all aspects of life, including their passions. What is wrong with people here? I just don’t get it, I have never had to live in such an environment, aside from when I was a child, it’s infuriating and makes me never want anything to do with the women around here. I am sure the lesson is in here somewhere along the lines of learning to accept people just as they are and that they are on their own path of lessons, etc. But I just can’t get to that yet. I can’t be around these people and pretend to like them, pretend that I don’t see what they are doing, and accept it… I would rather just stay away than see it. I used to preach about accepting each other no matter what, about unconditional love for everyone no matter what their choices, but at what point is it enough? At what point do you not accept it? I feel like accepting it is like telling these people it is ok to act and treat people in this way. It is not!! I feel like as a human I cannot accept this anymore, we will die as a species because of our stupid need for violence, religion, and segregation. Vanity, bigotry, hatred, envy, conceit, cheating, abuse…. We don’t learn as a people, we don’t join together, we only fight. How does one mentally survive this craziness? I don’t think we will survive as a species, if I am to be honest. I am tired of it all, I am tired of people, I can see why those men that we call ‘crazy mountain men’ are in fact mountain men. I don’t see them as crazy, I see it as survival.

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