Baby Steps

My whole life I have had this grand idea of living out of an RV and seeing the world. Well now that we are living in an RV I am seeing that this life is not necessarily the easiest. My biggest shortcoming right now in all of this is money. Sure, I have had grand schemes in my head on how to “make” money, but have not done any of them. Now my in-action has put me in a place where I am having to look at things in a different light to maintain my happiness, and quite failing at it. I truly believe there are messages for us everywhere. As an example, I am subscribed to get daily messages from The Secret and Daily Horoscope. The Secret said that I needed to be happy now, without the money (geesh, they just knew eh?), and the horoscope said I needed to let go and let change happen. I have been holding on tight to my previous way of life, and trying to mold it into our new. It just won’t work. My life is different now, I need to embrace change or go back to where we were. Baby steps is what I need to learn right now; the lesson that life is teaching me. I have always been a very compulsive person, and the kind of person that doesn’t like to take things slowly. Balls to the wall, see it, take the picture, buy the shirt. Life is so different now, it is not what I thought it to be. I have so much time! And time seems to move so slowly. I have more time to read, write, paint, take photos, teach Cardin. And what do I do with this time? Worry and stress. Silly really, I have so much to be happy for. So very much. The plain honest part of it is that I am alone and scared. These are the two scary monsters under my bed. Having no place to call home but a big purple rectangle on wheels, and only being able to connect with people I love through the means of words on a screen. It is hard, I never knew that family was so important to me. That support, especially for a single mother, the love, the companionship. The thought that I will never find someone to share my life with, to share my son with, …. Well, it has been taking its toll on me lately. I must let it go and be ok with being alone. Because this scares me, I know I must do it.
Another thing that has been getting under my skin is the aesthetic look of the RV. At first it was fun and retro, now that I am living in it, it has become old and “just falling apart”. My updating and “fixing” (I am no carpenter) has just made it feel “hobo”. Not the feeling I wanted in this whole experience. It really is interesting the things we find out about ourselves. I never realized that the look of things was really that important to me. I am humbly proven wrong. Lesson two in this, letting go of what others think, or better phrased, what I think, they will think.
So, if you don’t see too many of our red points turn to blue right away, it is because we are struggling to learn Baby Steps. I love you all so much!!

Gypsy Soul

Like moth’s to a flame they come whirling toward me, like the waters of a rolling rapid on the brink of a falling curtain of water. My dreams overwhelm my mind, my body, my soul, and spirit. I feel the breeze and I have a pull to flow wherever it happens to be blowing, to be a gypsy traveling on the tail of the wind. I gaze upon the cloud filled sky and see a bird soaring the heavens, it’s freedom beckon’s to me, whispering the dreams that I buried years ago. Like sky nymphs they tease and tantalize my senses, reminding me of what it truly means to be living on this planet. We are not meant to be prisoners of these concrete towers that house the many things that occupy our wasting time. The dragon guarding our sky-scraping tower is fear in our minds, and we are our own knight’s in shining armor.

The Good, The Bad, The Happy, The Sad

Well, we have been living in the RV for almost 2 months now and I have not traveled anywhere but to my friends yard in Gig Harbor. I wanted a slower paced life, and that is exactly what I have gotten. Maybe it is time to rephrase what I want! I feel like time is moving quickly and I am snailing along. I have had so much change in the last year that my mind is still trying to process it all. It is leaving me stressed and grumpy. To those reading, and not reading, this I want to apologize if  my actions have hurt any of you in some way, it was never my intention, and I thank you for being part of my growth. My whole goal with this change was to break away from societal ways of being. What I am starting to realize is that I am basically going from one society to another. The definition it itself states that a society is the aggregate of people living together in a more or less ordered community. I by no means under the sky want to be alone in the mountains somewhere hiding away until my dying days, I want people, I want family and friends. I want to be surrounded by love and laughter. Which places me in a place where there are people. A society of gypsies, yes, this is my reality, this is the exact phrasing of what I want. All of my failed romantic relationships, housing plans, schools, etc. Have all been messages from my inner self that I am not on the “wave” that my soul pulses to. But, I have been afraid to be alone, afraid to be happy, this is the cold hard truth. Now I find myself in a place where I have begun to take those steps to living my life, making those dreams, no longer dreams, but my reality. Like a great friend told me, trying destroys lives, trying keeps dreams as dreams, you must do! Even if you fail, it is not a failure, you have just found another way it doesn’t work. I have taken the first step, left conventional box living, to less conventional wheeled box living! But, the steps are not over. I have some very scary steps coming upon me within the next few weeks. My parents, whom I adore, whom I love and look up to more than they will ever know, are moving next week! I am so happy for them, they have been my support and have helped me heal from so much of my life’s traumas. They helped me save my life. They say, in life, that if you want a different outcome you can’t do the same thing. My different way of doing things is now not running home, but only visiting. It is time to start facing fears and realizing that I can, and will, rely on myself. I am not saying that other’s will not play a role in helping us, but more of a “standing on my own two feet” if you will. I know I can live in an apartment, keep a job, pay my bills, etc. I have done that, I just came from that. Now, I need to see that I can do this as well. Travel, love, and live…. Have my family with me, even though we are miles apart. Have my beautiful sister traveling by my side. My precious niece exploring the forests with Cardin. My Momma and Daddy by my side during this spirit quest. Everyone who has helped and loves us, with us. I am realizing that this is what is holding me back, scaring me from moving on, I need to realize that I am not leaving. I am simply moving… and that everyone is always with me, and that I can always come home. I truly believe that I am where I am at for a reason. Time to start listening to the Universe and my intuition and get things flowing 🙂 I am grateful for so many things, I honestly have more things to be grateful for than not. Time for the focus on gratefulness. My posts will begin to become more regular now 😀 I am going to blog every Monday, no more slacking 🙂 I love you all!!!

A New Life, A New Way of Being

A very good friend of mine mentioned to me the other day that I am a lot more “easy going”. That I don’t freak out like I used to, that I just take things in stride. I didn’t fully notice my change in behavior until yesterday. Yesterday, was an amazing day. I got to start my day with an online chat with one of the most amazing men in my life, under my Dad’s of course!

It’s amazing how the heart just chooses, defying all odds of how it will work and just deciding that “this is who I am going to Love”. I have never done well with long-distance relationships, my first love was in High School and when we moved to Washington State I had tried to make it work, but alas, I just couldn’t handle the distance. As I am older, it is different. Possibly my life experience, possibly the fact that I am more open to energy travel, I am unsure. I crave to be in his arms and him in mine, but, I am okay, and love him more with each passing day. Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t been all rainbows and sunshine. I have had intense moments of doubt, suspicion, made up stories, etc. But, this is life. Life is supposed to have challenges, that is how we grow, it is how we learn to Love deeper, and live Free’r.

After, we got up and running from our night of sleep and morning of chatting. We made our way to the apartment to continue with some cleaning and such. Still a ton to do, but it will get finished. Then we had a couple hours to kill before meeting Bela (pronounced Bay La, which means Freed Slave in Swahili). We cleaned and vacuumed out the car. We had so much nature material on the floor of the car that we could have started growing vegetables!

We decided to meet at Seward Park, and of course it was bicycle Sunday. *sighs* Damn Seattle’ites! haha We ended up being at the park for 2 hours before they finally found the park. Which ended up being just perfect! Cardin got to play with some kids for the whole time, and I simply sat and relaxed. Took in all the laughter, silliness, playing, and the bits of sun that shone down upon me. Even got a few giggles in at the kids “flying” off the merry-go-round!

Bela and her rescuers finally made it and we all got to meet for the first time. It was a joyous meeting, as we have been chatting back and forth for a few weeks now. For all that Bela has undergone, she is an amazingly sweet dog. She is almost 100% rehabilitated. Her biggest issue is with other dogs, especially dogs that are bigger than she is. She began getting very agitated and upset with even the presence of another dog. Most of which were not anywhere near her. I truly believe that in time she could be trained out of this. But, I am unsure that we will be able to give her what she needs in that area. We will be meeting her again next week and even be having a trial day at the market to see how she handles, I will make my decision after that.

Our evening was chalk full of a great friend cooking a feast for Cardin and I. Authentic Korean food, I can’t remember the names of everything but we started with these noodles that you eat cold and dip them in Soba. They were very delicious. We then had sashimi, I believe the fish was Salmon and Yellow Tail. After that we got to enjoy a very delicious Korean Barbecue with rice and Asparagus with toasted almonds. Ending the night with some delicious gelato, I have found a new favorite in pistachio gelato! It was a great evening full of laughter, wine, chocolate’s and cheeses, great food, great conversations, and laughing at video games. Thank you Andy for such an amazing evening, we ended up getting back to the RV at almost 1am! haha Mostly due to my sleepy head missing a couple turns along the way, but definitely the most time I have ever spent eating, and I loved every second.

It was a day full of smiles, hugs, food, friends, fun, and dead cell phones 🙂 Then we,

Stumbled into RV and slumbered…

Chapter Two: Letting Go

I have spent the last few weeks working away on getting the RV fixed up and ready to move into, along with working my butt off at chiropractic office. I have noticed that, now that things are coming along I find myself being held back by “un-foreseen forces”, if you will. I couldn’t figure out why I just wanted to stay at the apartment and “rest”. Granted I have been exhausted, but, it was more than that. I realized last night that my life is changing, the way I want it to yes, but it is a big change. And with every change comes a mourning period for that part of ourselves, and our lives, that we are leaving behind. I am on a path that I have wanted to be on my entire life, and have just now had the courage to step out into the un-known and trust myself. This is very scary for me, plain and simple. I will allow myself to mourn the loss of one way of life for another. But, I will not let it stop me. For where there is a re-birth, a new beginning, life only gets better. Full of new challenges, heartaches, headaches, scares, and lessons… But, always for the better. I am no longer excited to live the life I want, I am excited to be living that life fully right now. Not tomorrow, next month, or next year, but now! I am letting go of the old, to make way for the new 🙂 and whatever wonders it beholds!

Our First Weekend in the RV… Post a Little Delayed :P

Our first weekend in the RV was the 11th through the 13th of May, 2012. It was an interesting adventure, full of new sleeping arrangements, new sounds, new smells, and ….. BUGS! Cardin has been having a great, and a not so great, time adjusting. Night one was actually a pretty good night, we ended up eating dinner with our dear friends for their Sabbat and Cardin climbed into his little cave area and went fast to sleep.

 I am sure it was quite a spectacle if you would have seen me half up a ladder singing the Cinderela song and Sunshine. It was actually so cute, I told Cardin that he would want to sleep with his down comforter because it would keep him warm but he insisted that he was hot and would be fine. So, I ended up putting it at the foot of his bed. He woke up at about 1am and was sooo cold, I told him “The big blanket is at the foot of your bed, just pull it up.” Shuffling and bumping, then about 2 minutes later he says “ahhh Thank You”. Hahaha Silly boy. Our second night was a nightmare chalk full of tempertantrums, yelling, screaming, hitting, kicking, and well… Plain out meltdown. My poor little guy has so much change going on lately that I am not sure he knows how to deal with all that is being thrown his way. And I am not handling my emotional 9 year old very well at all, I feel like I have been yelling and scolding WAY too much, I am also in need of a chill pill. So our second night was a bit sour and full of a lot of stress, Cardin and I basically just passed out from exhaustion. The funniest part about the second night was that I had finally got him to bed and went into my friends house to “chill out” and chat before I went to bed and he comes running in frantic about how the bugs were on his bed and how they were trying to kill him and eat him. *sighs* The crazy kid has developed a phobia, I walk into the RV to see the said “killer bugs” to find… Moths! Oh my! So, we now have a new routine of 1. if windows are open making sure the screens are closed 2. trying to keep the door closed, which is easier said than done. I have decided that we are going to get one of those bamboo curtains and hang it at the front door. Yeah, I found this pretty sweet multi-colored peace sign one on Amazon 🙂 Oh YES, it will happen! and 3. teaching Cardin about bugs, and handling them to help aleviate his phobia. So, in a nutshell our first weekend was smooth and rough. I worked hard to get the RV fixed up, scraping, peeling, painting, and sealing.

Hurting my hands, wrists, peeling off skin, simply wearing myself out. Had our first breakfast in the RV which on the first day was pretty typical eggs and toast.

Second morning was even better as I had diced avacodo and grape tomatoes on my eggs. Was delicious! As an added note, I was a little worried Cardin would have a very hard time with his sleeping space. At first I figured it would be a really cool little hang-out sleeping spot for him. As it turns out there is barely any space up there. I had a very hard time crawling up there, granted I am a tad bigger but… Well, I was concerned he wouldn’t be able to handle the space. But, lucky me, he actually loves it, he only sleeps up there, and looks quite ridiculous climbing in and out ( he hasn’t quite mastered a good technique yet ) but, so far, no complaints. Only a well rested boy in the morn. My bed on the other hand… Well I am still in search of a mattress that will work. I am hoping that Cardin’s old mattress ( a single ) will fit in my bed spot, but for now I am sleeping on 2 of the cushions of the RV that are pushed together. Not the most comfortable, but also not the worst. I love going to sleep to the sound of frogs and crickets at night and waking to the sun and birds in the morning.

 It simply, starts my day perfectly and leaves me in a fantastic mood the rest of the day. Even with all the emotional chaos 🙂

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