The Darker Side of Me

7 months of insanity, of lessons. I feel my spirit growing thin, my passion fading. I am on a path currently where I am learning to balance the dark side of myself, that side that is extremely self-conscious, judgmental, angry, and sad. I do feed off the energy of others, and at times have a hard time differentiating between my own emotions and others, but I also believe the things we see in others, and hate or dislike, are things within ourselves that we do not like. I feel like I am falling into a depression, a big black precipice with no sign of light, but part of me is excited to jump in with both feet; as strange as that sounds. I hate it here, because there is something I hate within myself. It is deep and painful, and the hatred and bigotry of the people in this place are only fuel to that fire. Don’t get me wrong Kansas does have a beauty, I would never deny her that, but I long for the tree’s and the ocean; they heal a part of me that nothing else can seem to heal. I am realizing more and more that I need these two elements to survive. I know I will be with them again soon, but for now I am learning about the darker side of who I am, and struggling to learn to embrace her and find a healthy balance. I thought that living in a small town would be a nice change of pace, that there would be a peacefulness, a resting period for me. Instead I was greeted by hatred, gossip, lies, cold shoulders, fake smiles, and trash talking. I get it, to a point, here I come rolling into town from Louisiana with my California plates and sweeping up a newly single man. I get it, but it has been 4 months, and as people are starting to ‘warm’ up to me, I find myself being worn down by all the bullshit. I am from Seattle, I am of that kind of people, I realize that now. I am used to surrounding myself with loving hippie tree hugger types, like myself. How does one handle these negative energies, I feel lazy, I don’t even want to try anymore to be happy. Sure I could meditate, cleanse, smudge the house, etc. but I don’t. I just want to be a hermit, to never really leave home, unless it is to do something away from these little towns, away from these people and their judging glares. I can’t stand women who abuse their partners, or cheat, or lie, or are just plain bitches. Women who don’t support their partners, in all aspects of life, including their passions. What is wrong with people here? I just don’t get it, I have never had to live in such an environment, aside from when I was a child, it’s infuriating and makes me never want anything to do with the women around here. I am sure the lesson is in here somewhere along the lines of learning to accept people just as they are and that they are on their own path of lessons, etc. But I just can’t get to that yet. I can’t be around these people and pretend to like them, pretend that I don’t see what they are doing, and accept it… I would rather just stay away than see it. I used to preach about accepting each other no matter what, about unconditional love for everyone no matter what their choices, but at what point is it enough? At what point do you not accept it? I feel like accepting it is like telling these people it is ok to act and treat people in this way. It is not!! I feel like as a human I cannot accept this anymore, we will die as a species because of our stupid need for violence, religion, and segregation. Vanity, bigotry, hatred, envy, conceit, cheating, abuse…. We don’t learn as a people, we don’t join together, we only fight. How does one mentally survive this craziness? I don’t think we will survive as a species, if I am to be honest. I am tired of it all, I am tired of people, I can see why those men that we call ‘crazy mountain men’ are in fact mountain men. I don’t see them as crazy, I see it as survival.

Forgiving Myself

I have learned many hard lessons over the last few months, and still more to learn. I would like to say that I have come out ‘on top’ and feel great about the outcome of things but I let my emotions and anger get the best of me and I stooped to the level of those that were pushing me around for their own gain. Strangely the biggest thing I learned about myself is that I still let people walk all over me, but the second someone lays in on my child a fury comes out that is almost uncontrollable. I MUST start protecting myself with the same ferocity that I protect my son with. My last living situation was not very good (don’t get me wrong, there were some happy times, but for the most part it was a very difficult situation and I felt like I was walking on egg shells most of the time), I tried to make light of it but I can honestly see why so many others have left the position, hid in their rooms, or were fired. I don’t regret anything I have said over the past couple of months, I meant every word, it was how I was feeling at the moment and some parts I still feel today. I do however feel that some of the things I shared for support could have been worded privately to my closest friends but I felt attacked, and instead of being the better person I did exactly what she did on her page and ‘fought back’.  I think horrible children are the result of bad parenting, not the child. I am not saying I am perfect in any stretch of the parenting word, but my son is kind and respectful and when he isn’t he has consequences, and as alone as I have felt over the years I have never used my son as a companion. He is my son, my child, not someone to keep me company because I am feeling alone or insecure. This was one of the hardest things to witness over the last few months, some parts I would even say were very close, if not completely, child abuse. I have cut all ties with everyone I met in Louisiana, but I am still haunted by them. I became someone I am not and I am having a hard time letting that feeling go. I was contemplating writing to them but I don’t feel they deserve an apology, yet in the same breath the apology would not be for them but for myself.  I suppose I can just simply say here and to myself that I forgive myself….

“Anna, I forgive you <3”

I feel so much better 😀 Thank you for taking the time to read my passing thoughts on this beautiful day ❤ Time to move on and continue shining and living 😀