Love is My Lifeforce

I have always loved romance movies and novels. Being swept away by a love so intense that it makes the whole world fade away. I made a profound realization this evening that I have never made before. I watched a movie on Netflix called After, this isn’t a review, honestly, I watch the sappiest of movies and love them, but this is just for reference. As I sat there at the end of the movie all I wanted to do was cry. I could see my heart in my chest cracked open and my life force spilling out. I looked around and felt longing. I realized at that moment that the reason I love romance novels and movies so much is so that I don’t lose that feeling of passion and love. It helps me keep love alive, or the idea of it, it helps me from hardening. My heart longs for someone, somewhere out there that I have not yet met. Is it strange to say I can feel the distance between us? I can see more clearly over these last few months than I ever have my whole life. I used to let loneliness rule me, and I let it push me into the next relationship. I don’t know if I will ever find the person my heart longs for, and maybe this is a way of pushing love away, but it doesn’t feel like it. It feels like I finally know what I want, and I won’t settle for anything less. I do realize my fears however, I can see clearly how cautious I am with people. I don’t want to be hurt, and even more so, I don’t want to hurt anyone again. The blessing and curse of an empath is that I can feel all my decisions from every angle. I feel myself, my partner, my kids, friends, people around. I can feel the jabs of pain from every angle. As I type I can see why I have become so cautious, so guarded, even with friendships. Our emotions are why we remember the way we do, it is the feelings that keep memories alive within us. Once that feeling is let go, the memories fade. I have been carrying around the pain of every past love I have ever had, it is no wonder I am weary, I am cautious to add more pain to the mix! I didn’t realize until this evening that I was even doing this, not until the sadness hit me, and I was pulled to my keyboard. The more I type, the clearer things become. My love is my life force, it always has been. I take sadness and I give love. But when I can no longer give, when I am too full of sadness, my love runs dry. I leave, I run, I try to get away. And when I have been gone for some time I feel my love returning as the moon pulls on the tides and crashes emotions to the shore. When my love returns, that is when I wonder and look deeply at my life and all I have done. I have always loved being alone to recharge, I love being alone now, but I can now clearly see it is because I feel like the world is safe if I am alone. Such a silly thing to uncover about oneself and the motives of my subconscious. What a deep and sad thing to realize about oneself. But all things must be illuminated eventually, and when they are they can transform, and that is love, that is healing.

Empty Explanations

I wish I could explain how much anger and frustration hurts me,
How it breaks me down into some hollow shell of a being,
How it turns my heart black.

I wish I could explain the way my heart breaks when my children don’t want me around,
Or my very presence seems to annoy them.

I wish I could explain.

I wish you could see and feel through my heart and soul.

Today, I just want to run away from all of it.

There is more anger and frustration here than love at times,
And it is too heavy to carry.

I wish I could explain how the years of trying to make everyone happy,
every single day,
has worn me to the point of unhappiness.

I wish I could explain that I know it is of my own doing.

But the explanations have become exhausting,
I am so very tired,
And I have been reduced to nothing more than this hollow empty shell.

Victory in The Small Things

My mind is tired,

body sore.

My cat’s purr rumbles like mini earthquakes through my flesh.

Almost ready,

to stretch my body

and put my mind at ease.

Flowing Flowing Flowing

Breathing Breathing Breathing

I meditate on the movements of my sore tired body.

These small moments,

Where I push through.

Push even though I’m tired and hurting.

These are the moments in which I feel victorious.

Different Ways, Russian Doll Healing

I was reading an article in the magazine Kindred Spirit on the Matryoshka Method, developed by Therapist Cedric Speyer. In the article he brings up some key things that I never really thought about. He says that traditional therapies focus on our pain, the peeling back of layers of pain to find the ‘root’ pain. This is a very painful process, full of tears and agony. But, what if we instead focused on what is good and ‘right’ about ourselves and then build up from that? This is the Matryoshka Method. Starting with what is right, whole, and good at our cores and then building the layers from there, all fitting within each other like the Matryoshka (Russian) dolls. If in the end we are not defined, or trying to not be defined, by our past pains, then why are we focusing on our pain? As quoted from the article “Imagine the smallest, innermost doll as the essential core of goodness inside each of us. When you start from there, you can build up your Russian doll layer by layer, realigning the outer personas with the essential needs, values, and intentions of your innermost Russian doll.” *page 35 of the July 2016 issue of Kindred Spirit* Seeking with the soul, and seeing with the heart. What better way to heal? As the article states, this is not about treating psychological conditions, but a creative way to practice attunement, realignment, and ongoing calibration, based on what our souls want and need based on the ‘shape’ of our innermost Russian dolls. I love how the article terms traditional psychotherapy as ‘woundology’. It is in fact woundology. Why would we treat a wound, with a wound? I am excited to embark on the journey of this method. I have lived a life of trying to heal and move on from my past using ‘woundology’, time to try a new method!

I have searched and searched the webs for more information on this method, and have come up empty. I have added a link in my reference above to the magazine containing the article if you are more interested in checking it out, I highly recommend it!

The Darker Side of Me

7 months of insanity, of lessons. I feel my spirit growing thin, my passion fading. I am on a path currently where I am learning to balance the dark side of myself, that side that is extremely self-conscious, judgmental, angry, and sad. I do feed off the energy of others, and at times have a hard time differentiating between my own emotions and others, but I also believe the things we see in others, and hate or dislike, are things within ourselves that we do not like. I feel like I am falling into a depression, a big black precipice with no sign of light, but part of me is excited to jump in with both feet; as strange as that sounds. I hate it here, because there is something I hate within myself. It is deep and painful, and the hatred and bigotry of the people in this place are only fuel to that fire. Don’t get me wrong Kansas does have a beauty, I would never deny her that, but I long for the tree’s and the ocean; they heal a part of me that nothing else can seem to heal. I am realizing more and more that I need these two elements to survive. I know I will be with them again soon, but for now I am learning about the darker side of who I am, and struggling to learn to embrace her and find a healthy balance. I thought that living in a small town would be a nice change of pace, that there would be a peacefulness, a resting period for me. Instead I was greeted by hatred, gossip, lies, cold shoulders, fake smiles, and trash talking. I get it, to a point, here I come rolling into town from Louisiana with my California plates and sweeping up a newly single man. I get it, but it has been 4 months, and as people are starting to ‘warm’ up to me, I find myself being worn down by all the bullshit. I am from Seattle, I am of that kind of people, I realize that now. I am used to surrounding myself with loving hippie tree hugger types, like myself. How does one handle these negative energies, I feel lazy, I don’t even want to try anymore to be happy. Sure I could meditate, cleanse, smudge the house, etc. but I don’t. I just want to be a hermit, to never really leave home, unless it is to do something away from these little towns, away from these people and their judging glares. I can’t stand women who abuse their partners, or cheat, or lie, or are just plain bitches. Women who don’t support their partners, in all aspects of life, including their passions. What is wrong with people here? I just don’t get it, I have never had to live in such an environment, aside from when I was a child, it’s infuriating and makes me never want anything to do with the women around here. I am sure the lesson is in here somewhere along the lines of learning to accept people just as they are and that they are on their own path of lessons, etc. But I just can’t get to that yet. I can’t be around these people and pretend to like them, pretend that I don’t see what they are doing, and accept it… I would rather just stay away than see it. I used to preach about accepting each other no matter what, about unconditional love for everyone no matter what their choices, but at what point is it enough? At what point do you not accept it? I feel like accepting it is like telling these people it is ok to act and treat people in this way. It is not!! I feel like as a human I cannot accept this anymore, we will die as a species because of our stupid need for violence, religion, and segregation. Vanity, bigotry, hatred, envy, conceit, cheating, abuse…. We don’t learn as a people, we don’t join together, we only fight. How does one mentally survive this craziness? I don’t think we will survive as a species, if I am to be honest. I am tired of it all, I am tired of people, I can see why those men that we call ‘crazy mountain men’ are in fact mountain men. I don’t see them as crazy, I see it as survival.