I have always loved romance movies and novels. Being swept away by a love so intense that it makes the whole world fade away. I made a profound realization this evening that I have never made before. I watched a movie on Netflix called After, this isn’t a review, honestly, I watch the sappiest of movies and love them, but this is just for reference. As I sat there at the end of the movie all I wanted to do was cry. I could see my heart in my chest cracked open and my life force spilling out. I looked around and felt longing. I realized at that moment that the reason I love romance novels and movies so much is so that I don’t lose that feeling of passion and love. It helps me keep love alive, or the idea of it, it helps me from hardening. My heart longs for someone, somewhere out there that I have not yet met. Is it strange to say I can feel the distance between us? I can see more clearly over these last few months than I ever have my whole life. I used to let loneliness rule me, and I let it push me into the next relationship. I don’t know if I will ever find the person my heart longs for, and maybe this is a way of pushing love away, but it doesn’t feel like it. It feels like I finally know what I want, and I won’t settle for anything less. I do realize my fears however, I can see clearly how cautious I am with people. I don’t want to be hurt, and even more so, I don’t want to hurt anyone again. The blessing and curse of an empath is that I can feel all my decisions from every angle. I feel myself, my partner, my kids, friends, people around. I can feel the jabs of pain from every angle. As I type I can see why I have become so cautious, so guarded, even with friendships. Our emotions are why we remember the way we do, it is the feelings that keep memories alive within us. Once that feeling is let go, the memories fade. I have been carrying around the pain of every past love I have ever had, it is no wonder I am weary, I am cautious to add more pain to the mix! I didn’t realize until this evening that I was even doing this, not until the sadness hit me, and I was pulled to my keyboard. The more I type, the clearer things become. My love is my life force, it always has been. I take sadness and I give love. But when I can no longer give, when I am too full of sadness, my love runs dry. I leave, I run, I try to get away. And when I have been gone for some time I feel my love returning as the moon pulls on the tides and crashes emotions to the shore. When my love returns, that is when I wonder and look deeply at my life and all I have done. I have always loved being alone to recharge, I love being alone now, but I can now clearly see it is because I feel like the world is safe if I am alone. Such a silly thing to uncover about oneself and the motives of my subconscious. What a deep and sad thing to realize about oneself. But all things must be illuminated eventually, and when they are they can transform, and that is love, that is healing.
I am being swallowed,
by a blackness that I cannot escape.
I feel it hanging heavily from every limb and organ of my body.
I am like the Lake Natron,
A beautifully deadly water,
I will turn you into a calcified corpse.
Maybe I myself am just that.
Where Medusas stare once held me,
I now float through life,
a lifeless statue.
I know so many methods,
and have so many tools,
To help me escape this.
But I am trapped,
Trapped by the black tar that holds me.
I don’t expect you to understand,
I don’t talk about this because you can never understand.
You cannot walk my shoes,
You would never survive the maze of my mind,
But I don’t blame you,
I don’t hate you,
Even though at times I do.
Even when good things happen,
The joy within me is only temporary,
And It fades like the moon fades from a clouded sky.
I am stuck in a loop,
A hallway that continues forever with no doors.
You will never understand me,
and this is where love dies.
I cannot be what you want me to be…
Life is the sun on my face through a passing window,
A hot cup of tea on an icy cold day,
Breath in my lungs,
Love in my heart.
I feel the glitter of goosebumps on my skin.
Every breath deeper and deeper,
My stress melts away.
And the heaviness falls,
Like the avalanche of snow off a mountainside.
I was reading an article in the magazine Kindred Spirit on the Matryoshka Method, developed by Therapist Cedric Speyer. In the article he brings up some key things that I never really thought about. He says that traditional therapies focus on our pain, the peeling back of layers of pain to find the ‘root’ pain. This is a very painful process, full of tears and agony. But, what if we instead focused on what is good and ‘right’ about ourselves and then build up from that? This is the Matryoshka Method. Starting with what is right, whole, and good at our cores and then building the layers from there, all fitting within each other like the Matryoshka (Russian) dolls. If in the end we are not defined, or trying to not be defined, by our past pains, then why are we focusing on our pain? As quoted from the article “Imagine the smallest, innermost doll as the essential core of goodness inside each of us. When you start from there, you can build up your Russian doll layer by layer, realigning the outer personas with the essential needs, values, and intentions of your innermost Russian doll.” *page 35 of the July 2016 issue of Kindred Spirit* Seeking with the soul, and seeing with the heart. What better way to heal? As the article states, this is not about treating psychological conditions, but a creative way to practice attunement, realignment, and ongoing calibration, based on what our souls want and need based on the ‘shape’ of our innermost Russian dolls. I love how the article terms traditional psychotherapy as ‘woundology’. It is in fact woundology. Why would we treat a wound, with a wound? I am excited to embark on the journey of this method. I have lived a life of trying to heal and move on from my past using ‘woundology’, time to try a new method!
I have searched and searched the webs for more information on this method, and have come up empty. I have added a link in my reference above to the magazine containing the article if you are more interested in checking it out, I highly recommend it!
My grief has taken me this morning, like the hurricane takes the land. So gloriously freeing, and painful. Damn you wretched heart, some wounds go too deep and will never heal. I feel the grief pour out of me like a crack in a dam, it pushes until I finally break. Years of agony from my childhood. Not being able to protect those precious to me because my hands were too small and my voice not quite loud enough. A man who was meant to protect us and woman who was supposed to nurture, another man who let us go without a fight. A brother who was never treated with dignity and left this world too early. Words that have torn through my soul from people that I gave my heart to, friends and lovers. And myself a wandering soul, with that last string of my family, my blood, so far from me that the knives like daggers in my heart, endlessly bleeding out. I thwart so much grief from my psyche that when I read an article or hear/see something that reminds me of the pain I crumble, like the falling of an old wise tree that has died from too many years of harsh weather. You could never know what pains lie in the scars of my heart, what grief, what sadness, what guilt. This is why I understand it so very deeply. It is my best friend, and my worst enemy. I am so grateful for all the love in my life, but I don’t deserve it. You can’t heal scars, they last forever. Like the ebb and flow of the ocean, sometimes the waters are calm, and sometimes the waves hit so hard they tear you to pieces. This is my life. I will forever love and live with all my heart, but with that comes a grief that tears me down when the wind shifts direction. When the world is quiet and all I can hear is the beat of my own scarred heart, still capable of the deepest love the world has ever known. My love is deeper because of my scars, because of my pain. And I will never stop loving, no matter how much pain it brings. My heart is sacred, and through my years of joy and pain I have realized this, at this very moment. Every scar, every pain, every tear, every joy, every bit of happiness, it is all sacred. A scarred sacred heart. A heart to help heal the world, one teardrop, one hug, one love at a time.
I have been thinking a lot about relationships lately. All kinds of relationships but with my wedding right around the corner I have been thinking a lot about romantic relationships between people. I used to believe that two people needed to be whole before a relationship could last, but I am finding that this just isn’t true. When you find someone that makes life feel complete, feel whole, this is the want I have always seeked out. At the same time I am witnessing what will happen when that hole is once again a part of your life. A recent loss in our family has made this whole experience joyous, but heart wrenchingly sad at the same time. I wish I had a magick wand that I could wave and bring him back, well and whole, because I want to see him again but mostly to heal her heart. I know her tears will lessen and she will once again be able to ‘carry on’ again, but she will forever have a deep rooted scar that will never heal. She lost the other part of herself. This pain scares me, scares me to death. Some day I might be in her situation, or he might be. I used to think that this kind of pain wasn’t worth it, but the truth is that it is. I see her in pain but I also get to hear stories of the amazing life they had together, the magickal love they shared. It makes the pain worth it. As I am a couple weeks away from marrying a man whom fits my soul like a key to a lock, I can’t wait for the next chapter of our lives. We are moving to Maine come June, which was only more solidified with the news that our landlady is selling the house we are renting come Summer. I am scared, but excited. I have no delusions anymore about finding a love/life like the movies or books. These aren’t real, I am joyously happy that I have a real life, a real relationship, and a man that completes me. A man I love so deeply and that I get to spend the rest of my days with. Sure we will have bad days, it’s life, it’s how we talk, handle, and deal with every situation that matters. I still have my head in the clouds but I feel more leveled and more realistic. Funny, I almost prefer all the fights we had in the beginning… Taught us how to communicate with each other, and to love each other more deeply. I have loved and lost here in Kansas, I can’t wait to start our new life. Whoever says that moving doesn’t change anything, change your life, perspectives, etc… Has never truly moved and traveled. I will take the lessons from the pain here and keep the love and memories forever.
I have gone through many transformations in my life, but I have never regressed to the extent that I have over the last 8 months. Being here I have felt like I was 13 again. Like life just halted and took me back to a time, place, and person I no longer am. I have spent this time battling with things like learning how to communicate again, standing up for myself, depression, anxiety, rumors, and the list goes on. I have realized that I have held onto only one thing from my childhood, an idea of who someone close to me is, or was. I have always had in my life that one person that I could confide in, could tell all my sorrows to, cry on, and in turn them just listen without judgement, without simply hating all other parties involved. I have never had this with this person, over the years we have simply found each other and shared our lives. Neither of us are who we thought the other to be. I feel like I can let go of this idea I have had for so many years, and be at peace. Like I can fully be who I am, without some lingering past version of myself butting it’s way in. My future is empty and ready to be drawn and written in the way I choose, me… No one else, no other force. I make the decisions I do because it is what I want, what my heart is directing me to do, and I am tired of defending that. And I should never have to, and I never will again. It hurts to grow, but that is what makes us grow, that pain. The sadness, the hurt. I look back and feel silly for the way in which I behaved in certain moments, but I needed these moments to grow, to become stronger, to be me and no one else. I don’t need anyone, those in my life are here because I enjoy them here, I value them immensely, and I love them. Plain and simple, now it’s time to move on ❤
I am the fire, burning strong and true,
The wind kindles my flames.
I dance upon the water.
I am a fierce force of love and beauty,
And some cannot handle the pulse of my soul.
Honesty is my nature, even if it takes me time to gain the courage to speak.
You may think you know me, but you only know what you want to see.
I have made it further and done more things from my dreams than most could even gain the courage to do.
But I won’t let it stop me, I am worth the stars and the moon, the galaxies
I am worth all things in this Universe and the next.
I’m done settling, I’m done thinking I am not worth all the great things, I will never stop.
I hope to find you traveling the stars and our paths crossing once again,
But if it doesn’t happen I hope you find peace and happiness,
For I will love you forever, moons and millions.
But even though my heart is aching, I can no longer go on.
I hope I find you traveling the stars.
A long array of minutes and seconds go by between my posts; I want to write more, but sometimes the words are blocked by the diligent beavers in my mind. I find distractions in playing my guitar (which I just came back from) or from the mindless chatter of the spiders on the web. The stories and words play in my mind like trapped images in a snowglobe, wanting to be accidently dropped and shattered on the paper. I feel as though my words aren’t as ‘put together’ as I envision them to be; I should not hold the opinions of what others think of my writings so high but I do, I can’t seem to help it. I spill my blood and soul when I write, I do not want that to be judged, and yet I feel the need for it at times. Something to fuel that fire deep within me. I won’t say my flame is dwindling, but I can feel parts of myself being hit by the cold waters of the ocean on the lava flow of my heart, and forever turning to volcanic glass. Yet a hope lies in its midst because glass can be shattered and remolded. I feel myself becoming bitter, like the old rine of a once juicy sweet orange. I am not sure if anyone can meet the standards I have placed in my mind, if anyone can shatter my black glass heart. Don’t misjudge what I am writing, my heart bleeds with so much love I don’t know what to do with it all at times, but it breaks everyday… It aches like a day old wound, a slice in my heart that is still healing. I judge lately, because I am judging myself. I crave the touch of a man so intensely that at times I feel like I can go insane with the need. The older I get, the more the need grows. If I could be a slut a lot of my tensions would fade, yet the touch I crave is more than just a one night stand. I crave the touch of someone who loves and desires me, who is the King to my Queen, the Thorn to my Rose. I don’t think it is weak to want these things, there is a power in admitting it, but also a deafening sorrow in my heart. So many words still rushing in my mind, but not having any clarity. This is a good start to some truths that need to be let out of my mind, now maybe there will be a little more room for some new flowers to blossom.
I hate the night, it serves as a reminder that I am alone.
There is an emptiness within my soul,
to be touched,
to be loved.
I need another bird to soar the everchanging winds,
a companion to brave the rough seas,
a lover to explore the depths of the earth.
A partner in life,
a nurturer of my soul,
and keeper of my heart.
I love the night, for the quiet calm.
The silence that soothes my tired mind.
It brings me clarity on emotions and actions that took place throughout the hurricane of the day.
A woman is not meant to be a single mother and the provider.
It is impossible to be both fully.
And so here I reside,
In a chaotic limbo between the two.